It's not going to get any better.

I was at sesshin (retreat for extended period of zazen) with Susan Ji-on Postal and Dennis Shofu Keagan a few years ago. On Saturday afternoon, I went into the room set aside for dokusan (face to face meeting between a student and teacher) with Dennis. I don't remember how we opened our conversation about my practice. I just remember hearing him say, "It's not going to get any better," and feeling the most immense wave of relief.

The "it" must have been some discontent with the quality of my meditation. For years I could hardly bare my own monkey mind. I wanted easy, breezy samadhi, and it wasn't happening. Surely, I was doing something wrong. Surely, if I could just figure out the right thing to do, I could have it my way. Dennis's pronouncement allowed me to give up the fantasy. I wasn't doing anything wrong. As long as I was willing to be with things as they were, monkey mind and all, I had nothing to worry about, no source of discontent. I remembered we laughed as my eyes filled with tears. A huge burden had been lifted from me.

These years later, I still take great solace from Dennis's teaching. It's this capacity for acceptance that allows me to soften to the things I would otherwise make someone wrong for--myself and/or all the world. That's the starting point for something like skillful action. Resistence in all its forms sets up a playing field that pits me against someone or something. Surrender floods the field with compassion and wisdom, and lets me go forward without the weight of blame holding me back. This is the freedom of which the first of the Bodhissatvah Vows speaks: "Beings are numberless; I vow to free them." This is how, every now and then, I actually get it right, making a choice to turn toward less suffering instead of more. It's a turn I can actually feel in my body. There's a reason why we call Zen whole body practice.

Thanks, Dennis. I needed that.